A Step By Step Guide With Former Evil Genius Captain Electro

It's inevitable. Sooner or later you'll be stopped by one or more of those dastardly doers of good. Your well-laid plans will be ruined, your empire will be in shambles. When this happens you'll need a good speech, one that will prepare your captors for your escape and return to achieving your destiny--to take over the world!

My name is Frank Herschel. You may remember me as Captain Electro, the number one heavy-weight evil-doer from 1971 to 1978 (certified by the American Council For Evil and Nefariosity). Now that I'm retired I'm here to offer you hints on how you too can be a leading bad guy or miscreant, and make nations tremble at your feet whether you are on top, or just toppled.

Of course you'll need to create plans for every eventuality, and escape from prisons and mental institutions should be included in that. But marketing is everything! Take advantage of your recent seizure and failure to grab power, or maintain control, to make a PR announcement. A properly written revenge speech will set the tone for when you start wrecking havoc on the civilized world again.

The rubber-masked heros who stopped you--this time--will be shaking in their PVC boots and sweating in their tight nylon or lycra bodysuits. I can feel the doubt and uncertainty now!

The key for your revenge speech is to think forward to your glorious future, and not the achievements and disappointments of the past. It's tempting to launch into reminiscing about how you good you felt when you pulled off those three successful diamond heists in a row that one summer in Capital City, or gloat over those thefts of priceless paintings from the National Gallery. I've done it myself. But remember to focus on what's to come. You want to temper those happy feelings your captors have with the hard steel of reality.

Of course, you'll still want to recap all of your achievements. It's important the do-gooders understand that they are dealing with an evil professional and that it was just luck that allowed them to catch you--this time.

Something to avoid in your revenge speech is the all-too-familiar "you haven't seen the last of me" line. Frankly, it's been overdone. Think of something new. Not only that, it's grammatically cumbersome and hard to think through. What if English is the second language of your captors? I had to repeat my speech three times when the Haitian Hombre captured me! Make sure they understand: keep your statements clear and simple.

It's a good idea to practice your speech in front of a mirror several times to make sure you have it memorized, and that your tone and intonation is sinister enough. Practice your evil laugh and handrubbing. The last thing you want to show is that you're afraid.

Sometimes you can have the best speech in the world and yet your mind goes completely blank when you're in handcuffs and being hauled away. This happened to the Chartreus Chenanigan after Beatle Boy and the Silver Sliver trapped him at the old warehouse by the docks. Fortunately, he was able to come up with a few quotes from Oscar Wilde. The witty bon-nots took the fighters for freedom and justice by surprise and unsettled them, ruining their dinner. Memorize a few yourself for desperate moments of need.