A Step By Step Guide With Former Evil Genius Captain Electro

You now have the power. You have the attitude, the sass, and the verve. Now that you've earned some evil assets, how do you use them to get the world's attention? How can you make the simple people of this planet tremble at the very mention of your name?

Hi, I'm Frank Herschel, known on the evil side of town as Captain Electro, the epitome of evil from 1971-1978. Back then, I made world leaders quiver, governments tumble, and enemies sweat. I conquered the world not once, but twice! And if it wasn't for that glittery goober of good, The Golden Thistle, I'd still have my face on the world's currency.

But that was then.

When implementing your own plan for world domination does it make sense to slowly build up your empire of evil cautiously--expanding it through nefarious mergers, sneaky acquisitions, and sinister reverse stock take-overs? Where's the fun in that? Are back-page articles in the financial section what you really want? Remember what really matters is you and your ego. You're front-page material, my precious little protégé, and don't forget it!

To make people sit up and take notice, especially those spineless incompetents on the police force or those imbeciles running the United World Council, you need to do something splashy--something big.

Say, how about blowing up an historical landmark?

Nothing makes a bigger bang than a big bang, especially if it undermines the weakness of those pitiful fools in power. After all, if the government can't protect its national treasures, can it protect its own citizens?

Start by picking something big, really big, and preferably man-made. Lasering the tops off mountains may be impressive, but it doesn't touch people as much as exploding a giant monument like the world's largest golf ball or removing the facade of the White House with a flame thrower. The Golden Gate Bridge? The Sears Tower? The Matterhorn at Disneyland? Now you're thinking big!

When as a young man I leveled a series of ridges in the Appalachians by destroying the electrical field holding the molecules together. That was a true feat! But I didn't receive nearly the attention I did as when I electro-bolted President Garfield from Mount Rushmore.

It was the bold excising of this chunk of carved rock (he was nestled just under Washington's chin) that propelled me into professional super evil status. With the right explosion you can do the same!

For some reason large bronze statues seem to work the best. Maybe it's because they look like real people. At one point the Elusive Fog was destroying neolithic stone circles in England. These were archaeological sites of inestimable value--many older than Stonehenge. Although he got a fair bit of coverage in the antiquarian press it wasn't until he toppled the large bronze Lord Nelson off his pillar that Scotland Yard and his superhero nemesis Dogjaw McGraw finally gave him his due.

After you've blown up your landmark be sure to immediately claim responsibility. You don't want some two-bit evil wannabe usurping your cause by calling the newspapers before you do. I strongly recommend using a public phone booth, but for God's sake take precautions and wipe the receiver first!

Then take the time to gloat, yes, gloat. And try out that hearty laugh you've been rehearsing. Why not make some outrageous demands? Threaten to do something even more vile if they don't remove all coffee shops that call small coffees "tall." The more ridiculous the demand, the more serious you'll be taken.