A Step By Step Guide With Former Evil Genius Captain Electro

No matter how strong you are, you're always going to need the help of a good (or evil) army.

Without it, what sort of subservient force are you going to use to carry out your threats, build your weapons of doom, and otherwise wreak terror and havoc?

But you're probably saying "recruiting an evil army is difficult, time-consuming, and expensive to maintain."

Yes, it's true that keeping a mercenary force is hard work, but who said your army had to be living? An android or robot army is the perfect low-cost alternative to traditional mercenaries, and without many of their "human" drawbacks.

Hello, my name is Frank Herschel, known to a quivering United World Council as Captain Electro. I've raised several armies over my 15-year professional career, including one army of the UnDead--but I'll never do that again! Now that I've retired, I'm here to help you get your foot in the door of evil, and sell yourself on becoming the super villain you've always wanted to be.

Although my world-conquering days are over, I still have enough robots in the shed to be able to bend a few small island nations to my will--if I wanted to.

An android or robot "Army of Doom" has several advantages over their mortal counterparts, not the least being their superior strength, speed, and agility.

Standardized design means standardized parts for quick replacements and repairs. Robots are not prone to panic or desertion during those difficult periods-- like being attacked by some namby-pamby superhero. The Lecherous Eel learned this the hard way when his army of photo-phobic minions were attacked by the Flaming Stick and his protege Ember Boy. That wouldn't have happened if he had used dependable robots.

Where will you get this mechanical force? Your best solution is to contract to that Japanese or Korean manufacturer that you have in your hip pocket. Kidnap his teenage daughter if you have to.

If you decide to build yourself, there are a few precautions you should take when designing, building, and deploying your metallic army. Follow these rules and your force will be next to invincible!

• Remember first that robots are susceptible to giant magnets, unless you use aluminum, but that's not always a good choice, despite the light weight. It's better to use iron, and consider installing a de-mag field generator, but beware of those nasty anti-gravity side-effects.
• Always be careful where you put the polarization switch. If it's too accessible, a superhero or treasonous minion might reverse the polarity and cause the robot to become good, with disastrous results!
• Liquid metal technology is way, way cool. I wish they had that when I was fighting Super Muscleman and the Company of Justice (registered trademark)! Keep in mind no one has tried creating an entire army of liquid metal robots yet. It tends to be expensive, although prices are dropping!
• I highly recommend glowing red eyes for your creations. Baby blue or grass green may make the ladies swoon--but it won't be from fear or terror, so how useful is that?
• Don't allow your robots to engage in conversations with those they are supposed to vanquish. The last thing you need is for some four-eyed mathematics geek challenging them to work out pi to the last digit or some other impossible puzzle.
• Don't give your robots names like "Robbie" or "Harry." Names should be standardized to a series of letters and numbers. If they are dehumanized they are easier to decommission or "retire." Come to think of it, this technique is useful for your human minions too.

Now, how are you going to control all these robots? You'll need some kind of super computer and at least one decent Perl programmer. You don't want your invincible Army of Destruction to turn against you at its source!

The obvious starting point is your password. Encryption is pretty good these days. Despite what you may see on TV, alienated 14-year-old whiz kids won't be able to "hack" into your computer if you have a good password with at least eight characters, both letter and numbers. Change it regularly. Don't write it down on a pad of paper and throw the pad away.

Don't let the super computer get too smart--it may decide to take over you! And don't give the computer a synthetic human voice. I haven't known a super computer of evil with a voice yet that hasn't tried to outwit its master.

You'll also need at least some programming help for your super computer. Lego Mindstorms only goes so far. How can you ensure your programmer remains loyal? I would suggest locking him up with limited access to the outside world, but give him all the cola, potato chips, and Marvel comics he wants. You don't want him in a position where he could be seduced by secret deals, women, or possibly develop a conscience.